We've all heard the anecdote that when you have or get a lot of money, you're relationships suffer. Suddenly everyone wants a hand out, and gets mad when you don't hand one over. The amount of money that you have available to you has negatively impacted your relationships. I think however, that the amount of money not available to you has the same effect.
Last night, in a frenzy of disappointed writing, I wrote a post about a close family member whom I am having relationship trouble with. I'm glad I didn't post it.
However! After re-reading it, I did find some insights relevant to my chosen topic.
Not every single thing in life is affected by your money or lack of, but having a lack of it has consequences for things you would never even expect. Poor people's relationships suffer,and not just from the stigma of being poor -I think poor people are way more likely to have relationships negatively affected by their income.
Can I put a value on that, a percentage to compare? Of course not, this is simply my opinion from living it and seeing it around me.
I'm certain this is going to seem like a high school math word problem, but just stick with me a minute if you can.
In my first example, a married couple. His wife is over-tired after getting up with the baby all night and picking up after herself, her husband, and two kids all the time. Her feelings are sensitive today, demonstrated by the fact that she is grumpy and on the verge of tears constantly. He happens at some point to make a joking remark that hurts her tender feelings, and he is instantly remorseful when she begins balling. She closes herself in the bedroom and won't talk to him, but he has to leave for work. So he goes.
What would a typical man do to soothe his wife and make her happy again, even though he can't really talk to her long enough to sort things out? He might call her on his break, and apologize. He might go further, and bring her home flowers, and promise to get her a babysitter this weekend so he can take her out for a night or fun and relaxation away from the house drudgery.
In my second example are two childhood best friends who have grown up together. One moves away to go to college, far enough away that it isn't easy to see each other. They don't talk nearly as much now, they don't ever get to hang out, and both are busy with school work and university life. The one who left the state for school has the more sensitive feelings, and she is hurt at the lack of attention the other has given her. She is all but sure her friend doesn't care anymore.
What might a typical friend do let the other person know they are still good friends and still think of them often, even though they don't get to talk much? She would certainly make an effort to call more often, email more often, etc. She would send her friend some special gifts and a card or her birthday and holidays. Occasionally she would send her something small randomly, with a small note saying "Sorry we haven't talked much lately, I've got so much going on! Still thinking of you though, will call soon!" They would make plans for one to fly to the other so they could spend summer break together catching up and having fun. and keeping their friendship strong.
Sadly, a person who is really struggling financially, who is below the tolerable living line and maybe even below the poverty line, can't do these typical things. Sure, relationships shouldn't center on what you can buy each other, and most don't, but actions definitely speak louder than words sometimes. A lot of people have those actions available to them to patch things up quickly and keep relationships stable - low income people don't.
The low income husband's pre-paid phone has very few minutes left, so he just leaves his wife a quick apology. He can't bring home flowers, that's at least $15 out of their money. That $15 would be 1/4 of their grocery budget. They can't afford a babysitter, and they certainly can't afford to give the wife a night out. They're barely affording food and diapers.
The low income college student has a pre-paid phone as well, but no laptop to email with. She has to use the library, which is always packed. She is going to school on grants and loans because her parents are low income too, but it doesn't quite cover all her tuition, so she has a part time job as well to buy food and do laundry etc. She doesn't have the money to buy her friend any gifts, barely has enough for an envelope and a stamp. She's been eating ramen with ketchup packets all week. She's stuck back in their hometown, and there's no way her or her parents can afford a plane ticket for her to go see her friend during the summer. She won't have the money next summer either.
There are a bazillion other examples I could give that I have experienced in my life.
I'm sure someone will point out there are some communication issues in both relationships - of course there are. There are communication issues in any relationship regardless of income. I'm simply trying to point out how having some monetary wiggle room HELPS preserve the relationships that are important to you. Myself, and others like me, are pretty much left to using just our words to patch things up, and sometimes the other person is less than receptive. I really think that leaves us more likely to be isolated, and with less support due to broken relationships.
And don't even get me started on how much strain it causes if you ever have to ask family for money...
To this special person of mine, a heartfelt message:
I wish I didn't have to keep a close eye on my texts and phone minutes so I don't go over, so I could call you all the time. I wish I didn't always have a screaming toddler in the background, so we could have more meaningful conversations. I wish I had the money to send you gifts, just so you know I'm thinking of you even when we don't talk. I wish I had money to spoil you on your birthday and holidays, and I'm sorry I haven't sent your birthday present from October yet. I don't know when I'll be able to. I wish I could have bought and sent you a Christmas present. I wish I could buy you flowers and send you a sincere apology and have you forgive me. I wish I always had a working computer and internet connection since that is the way you prefer to talk. I wish I could come see you often or bring you to me so you can see your nieces too.
But I have no money for any of that, and apparently, our relationship suffers as a result. I am so deeply sorry that my crappy financial situation hinders me from really letting you know how special you are to me. I'm sorry, because for now I'm stuck here, and I can only hope our relationship survives until I'm able to tend it better.
I'm going to send her an email since for now I have both a computer and internet. It is all I can do. Wish me luck.
If you have a family member, or a friend, who you're having a bad time with, please look at it from both sides of the coin.
Call or write that person if that's all you can do, but you should do something. And if you're on the other side, understand that you could be unaware of their true circumstances, and maybe they're doing all they can, and maybe you could forgive them a little bit.
No comments:
Post a Comment