...Could this be the end?

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Of eating moldy bread because there's nothing left?
Of making my daughter wear diapers a bit too long because we don't have enough to last until payday, and crying because I gave her diaper rash?
Of looking covetously at the stuff people set out on the curb on trash day, because I can't even afford another trash can, much less those really nice looking chairs you threw out?
Could this be the end living off of the discounted bread at the grocery store, despite blood sugar issues?
Could this be the end of making sure our lives are in danger before going to the doctor because we can't afford the bill for anything less?

I'm afraid to hope.

My husband got the job!!!....but it doesn't seem real yet. We still don't know how we are going to pay our phone bill, electric bill, and personal loan we used to get through rent week. I don't know how we are going to afford to move. I can probably get boxes free, but after looking at craigslist, deposits + first month's rent + moving truck + gasoline, is going to be impossible until he's made more money for awhile.

Guys, what if this is the end of needing food stamps? I have never NOT been on food stamps...
What if we really COULD pay our debts, and start savings accounts for our children, have an emergency fund, and maybe even have some left over to get a reliable car, or go visit family, or even just a clothes dresser??

I was so excited when I found out, but I'm afraid!! Why?? I SHOULD be excited, happy, relieved. And I am it's just that I'm afraid too, afraid to believe and trust and hope, and be disappointed again. I'm afraid it's not real. I'm afraid something will happen to ruin it. I'm afraid of being between a rock and a hard place - making too much money for assistance, but not enough to survive. I'm afraid of money increasing, but things not really improving because there are just so many places that money needs to go. I'm afraid that being poor for so long will mean we have issues that will screw up being financially stable.

He will make $34,000/yr salary, with the potential for bonuses if his store starts doing well. It's about 10k a year more than we make now. It seems like a huge amount to me at this moment, but logically and comparatively, I know it's not a whole lot.

Mostly I just can't seem to wrap my head around things changing for the better. I've identified as "poor" for so long, it's like a part of my identity. I know that sounds silly.

I think perhaps I'm in shock - heh. I knew he could get it based on his abilities and merits, I just didn't believe that we would be blessed with that kind of good luck.

And now, suddenly, there could be a time in the near future where I can afford to buy all of the groceries I need for my family for a week. It brings me to tears.

My love trove.

My husband and I have been so stressed out about this interview coming up, it's really quite sad. We've talked about the good parts; more money, bigger house, reliable vehicles, a college fund for our kids. We've talked about the bad; moving again, being in an urban area, living farther from the water/nature, more traffic, longer hours. We've talked about the in-betweens, and the what-ifs and the maybes. It has been constantly on our minds, in our thoughts and our conversations.

Honestly, it's exhausting.

We've let our selves become so concerned about this, that it's damaging our health, our sleep, and our relationship. Stupid, stupid, stupid! So strangely, a day and half before the interview, the light bulb went on.

We don't need this.

We don't need this job. We need food, and shelter, and clothes, etc. and yes to some extent we need money, but we don't need this job.

We struggle, but we somehow always eat. Sometimes we aren't as presentable as we like (lack of interview clothes is a concern), but at least we have clothes. We think we need more room, but at least we have a house with running water, electricity, and heat in the first place. We think we need to pay debts, and bills, and to save money, but we don't need those things to survive, or even to be happy.

If he doesn't get this promotion right now, or even if he never gets it, we don't lose anything. We will keep going as we always have, making due and doing our best to be happy. Only when the pressure for more money enters the equation, do we weaken at the seams.

Honey, I'm happy, here, right now, with you. With what we have. Sure I'd like more, I'd like things to be easier, but there is so much more to happiness than that. I can die happy without us ever making more money. I cannot make more money and die happy without you and our kids. Y'all are my treasure, my riches, and my wealth. With you, and God, I have everything I need.

I don't care if you get this promotion. I don't care if you get the next one. I don't care if we never make any more money, or if we do.

All I care about is that you are with me through it all.

This is a vent, nothing constructive.

We've been struggling lately. Not just with money, but it seems also with a the little bits of life that pile up and pile on. Though it's finally spring outside, this is one of the seasons of our lives that isn't pleasant, and we just have to make it through.

Money is a problem. Money is - always- a problem. Juggling bills, borrowing money for groceries, calling every week for payment arrangements, everything. It's like having a chronic illness. Sometimes you feel ok about it, you cope fine, because it just is. Some days you can barely face getting out of bed, and just want to ignore the situation completely. But either way, it never goes away, and there doesn't seem to be any relief coming soon.

Our kids are misbehaving constantly, especially our toddler, and we cannot help but wonder where we went wrong. Especially me. So much of my self worth is tied to believing I'm a good mom and a good parent, and I just don't feel like that lately. I'm not sure which came first (chicken or egg?). I don't know if my opinion of myself lowered, and then my kid's behavior reinforced it, or if my opinion of my parenting abilities is a direct result of having to leave places because of meltdowns and the neighbors knocking to see if I'm abusing my child because she's screaming her head off...Whichever, it doesn't really matter. All I know is it's so draining and disheartening. Everyday is a battlefield, and as a result I'm cranky, emotional, and sensitive.

My husband has his interview on Tuesday. That's a praise. However, he is terribly stressed out with issues at work, and stressing about the interview, and is cranky, irritable, and sensitive as well. If we don't tread ever so carefully, we mix like oil and water when he is home.
My husband is my best friend. Not really being able to talk to him lately is horribly isolating and lonely, and yet I'm too weak to keep from going off like fireworks when I get upset. I feel so lonely sometimes that I can barely take it, and I tend completely shut down or take that and the other day to day stresses out on him.
For the first time ever, I did not sleep in our bed with my husband the other night because I was so mad/irritated/unhappy. It's my fault and was my choice, and I regret it wholeheartedly. Then we pretty much spent two days not talking or hugging. It just really hurts to think that our bonds are weakening due to all the strain heaped on us from every side. I don't have any other friends or family for support here, and though I attend church, opening up to a stranger is uncomfortable at best. I have faith that we will recover from this, because we love each other enough to keep trying, but it's still hard to go through.

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, and even with this blog, and I can't seem to find the energy for any of it. Yes, I realize I'm very likely depressed, there just doesn't feel like a whole lot I can do about it right now except to keep on going. Keep on striving.

I know a lot of people have way more serious things going on. Life threatening illnesses, losing family, divorce, really extreme poverty. My issues are so tiny in comparison, I know that, and I promise I'll return to the bright side as soon as possible.

I don't really know how to finish this post except to say, thanks for letting me vent. Thank you all for listening, and for your patience and support.

Back soon.

I'm sorry guys, I know I haven't been around much lately. It's been a hard couple of weeks. Everything that is supposed to be good is bad, and everything bad is worse. I don't know how I can lift anyone else up when I am feeling this low. I will update soon, thanks for being patient.

Finally...an update!

Man, it's been a crazy week. Ish? It's been way too long since I made a post, but we had a serious GI illness epidemic, followed by our internet services being off for a few days for being past due. I'm not sure which was worse!!

I'm kidding. The stomach flu was WAY worse! (shudder)

I'm sorry to keep anyone waiting who has become accustomed to my updates, all I could really do was check my email on my phone when I had some G's. my toddler has officially gotten to that age when going to the library is nothing but frustration. It's impossible to get anything resembling work done, because even when she's not throwing a temper tantrum, she still talks at the top of her lungs and tries to wreck everything.  I really hate feeling like we're disturbing other library patrons, and there's really no question that she is. I wish I could just get her a shirt to wear for explanation; "WARNING: I'M TWO". Moms everywhere would understand. Still, I feel bad.

But I promise I haven't been idle, and I've got some posts coming up. A real, solid update is in order, plus a food post or two.

So, what have you guys been up to all this time?  Got any ideas for posts you'd like to see?

The Good News That Almost Crashed The Car

I know, it sounds like it must be something huge, right? Like winning the lottery or something? Well, it's not, but I'm still pretty happy. Not Power-ball or PCH Winner happy, but still happy.

Yesterday it was awesome weather, and I had an awesome time with my awesome husband. I also got a truly awesome sunburn, and was miserable last night, but it was so worth it!

One of the crowning highlights of my amazing day, was that I sold my first ever Constant-Content article! Ya'll just don't know how huge that is to me! I was so excited when I saw the email that a made this horrible noise that my husband hates. You know, the one where you make a squeaky, squeal-ly inhale of breath, usually when something bad is about to happen, like a car crash? It's like a big, inward, wordless "OH NOOO!!".

Ya, that one.

Only happy!

My husband hates that noise.
So anyways, we were driving down the road and I was checking my email on my phone, and I saw the email and made that noise. My husband swerved wildly to avoid the huge accident that must be incoming, yelled at me a moment, and when we were parked safely at the ATM, he gave me a smile, a congratulations, and a kiss.

He says I'm only allowed to make that noise when something bad is about to happen, not when it's something good, because it immediately puts him emergency mode. I honestly don't know if I can help it though, it's like my default excited/amazed noise. I made it when I caught my first bass. I made it when he bought me my rock tumbler. I made it when he told me he might get his own store soon. What's a girl to do?

 I only had two articles on there, so that's pretty good right? And if strangers will buy my writing, that means I'm not completely inept, right? And there's a good chance that this freelance writing thing will actually pay out? They take a huge chunk of the cost though, 40%, but even so you end up with a fairly decent price per word compared to other places.

My Fortune Cookie Says:

"You're financial outlook is great at this time."

Man, I hope that's true!

We recently found out that my husband's company is opening a new store about two hours south of us. I guess he is one of two choices for being the store manager! I'm afraid to even hope honestly. It would be the change that we've been waiting for so long. Guaranteed $35k/yr, plus monthly bonuses (in the thousands) based on how the store does. That is certainly more comfortable than where we are now. Plus, they will pay for our moving costs IF he gets it. It's in a bigger city outside the metro area, which has it's downsides, but hopefully several advantages too, like public transportation and grocery store competitors and a much shorter commute for my husband.

I can't even imagine it. Or at least I try not to so that I'm not heartbroken if it doesn't happen. Of course, he will at some point get a store I think, I'm just afraid that if it takes a lot longer then a) my husband will lose some satisfaction and drive at work and b) our hole will get ever deeper. Better late than never, but realistically with all our debts, bills, and neglected medical issues, we would have to be at that income level for quite awhile before we even broke even every month.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I'm afraid to be too expectant, too excited, or even too doubtful. I guess I will just hope everything turns out for the best, whatever path that might take.

We could use some prayers though, if you feel like it. :)

Those of you who have risen above poverty, would you mind telling us what the turning point was for your family? Was it more gradual, or a sudden step up like this would be? I would love to know!