Saturday, May 31, 2014

This is a vent, nothing constructive.

We've been struggling lately. Not just with money, but it seems also with a the little bits of life that pile up and pile on. Though it's finally spring outside, this is one of the seasons of our lives that isn't pleasant, and we just have to make it through.

Money is a problem. Money is - always- a problem. Juggling bills, borrowing money for groceries, calling every week for payment arrangements, everything. It's like having a chronic illness. Sometimes you feel ok about it, you cope fine, because it just is. Some days you can barely face getting out of bed, and just want to ignore the situation completely. But either way, it never goes away, and there doesn't seem to be any relief coming soon.

Our kids are misbehaving constantly, especially our toddler, and we cannot help but wonder where we went wrong. Especially me. So much of my self worth is tied to believing I'm a good mom and a good parent, and I just don't feel like that lately. I'm not sure which came first (chicken or egg?). I don't know if my opinion of myself lowered, and then my kid's behavior reinforced it, or if my opinion of my parenting abilities is a direct result of having to leave places because of meltdowns and the neighbors knocking to see if I'm abusing my child because she's screaming her head off...Whichever, it doesn't really matter. All I know is it's so draining and disheartening. Everyday is a battlefield, and as a result I'm cranky, emotional, and sensitive.

My husband has his interview on Tuesday. That's a praise. However, he is terribly stressed out with issues at work, and stressing about the interview, and is cranky, irritable, and sensitive as well. If we don't tread ever so carefully, we mix like oil and water when he is home.
My husband is my best friend. Not really being able to talk to him lately is horribly isolating and lonely, and yet I'm too weak to keep from going off like fireworks when I get upset. I feel so lonely sometimes that I can barely take it, and I tend completely shut down or take that and the other day to day stresses out on him.
For the first time ever, I did not sleep in our bed with my husband the other night because I was so mad/irritated/unhappy. It's my fault and was my choice, and I regret it wholeheartedly. Then we pretty much spent two days not talking or hugging. It just really hurts to think that our bonds are weakening due to all the strain heaped on us from every side. I don't have any other friends or family for support here, and though I attend church, opening up to a stranger is uncomfortable at best. I have faith that we will recover from this, because we love each other enough to keep trying, but it's still hard to go through.

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, and even with this blog, and I can't seem to find the energy for any of it. Yes, I realize I'm very likely depressed, there just doesn't feel like a whole lot I can do about it right now except to keep on going. Keep on striving.

I know a lot of people have way more serious things going on. Life threatening illnesses, losing family, divorce, really extreme poverty. My issues are so tiny in comparison, I know that, and I promise I'll return to the bright side as soon as possible.

I don't really know how to finish this post except to say, thanks for letting me vent. Thank you all for listening, and for your patience and support.













2 comments:

  1. I am sorry that you are feeling so down and defeated. I wish I could do more than pray for you and your family.

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  2. When depression hits it feels like an elephant is sitting on you. You can try and try to do things but never see the success. After my first baby, I told the Dr that I was physically drained, emotionally drained and spiritually drained. Then he said, " that is what depression is." Oh, Medications start to work in about 3 weeks. They are not happy pills but they begin to give you some of the strength you need to get things done. Generics are under $10 month. Please try and get to a Dr. it can be so helpfull.
    Don't over analyze the kids behavior. Just be consistent with your rules and try not to yell. Calm adults help kids to be calm. Take care of yourself as much as you can. I didn't do this when I had young children and now see it as a mistake. You need to take care of yourself on all levels to be a calm and consistent leader for your children.
    Things will get better.
    ~ Christie

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