This is a vent, nothing constructive.

We've been struggling lately. Not just with money, but it seems also with a the little bits of life that pile up and pile on. Though it's finally spring outside, this is one of the seasons of our lives that isn't pleasant, and we just have to make it through.

Money is a problem. Money is - always- a problem. Juggling bills, borrowing money for groceries, calling every week for payment arrangements, everything. It's like having a chronic illness. Sometimes you feel ok about it, you cope fine, because it just is. Some days you can barely face getting out of bed, and just want to ignore the situation completely. But either way, it never goes away, and there doesn't seem to be any relief coming soon.

Our kids are misbehaving constantly, especially our toddler, and we cannot help but wonder where we went wrong. Especially me. So much of my self worth is tied to believing I'm a good mom and a good parent, and I just don't feel like that lately. I'm not sure which came first (chicken or egg?). I don't know if my opinion of myself lowered, and then my kid's behavior reinforced it, or if my opinion of my parenting abilities is a direct result of having to leave places because of meltdowns and the neighbors knocking to see if I'm abusing my child because she's screaming her head off...Whichever, it doesn't really matter. All I know is it's so draining and disheartening. Everyday is a battlefield, and as a result I'm cranky, emotional, and sensitive.

My husband has his interview on Tuesday. That's a praise. However, he is terribly stressed out with issues at work, and stressing about the interview, and is cranky, irritable, and sensitive as well. If we don't tread ever so carefully, we mix like oil and water when he is home.
My husband is my best friend. Not really being able to talk to him lately is horribly isolating and lonely, and yet I'm too weak to keep from going off like fireworks when I get upset. I feel so lonely sometimes that I can barely take it, and I tend completely shut down or take that and the other day to day stresses out on him.
For the first time ever, I did not sleep in our bed with my husband the other night because I was so mad/irritated/unhappy. It's my fault and was my choice, and I regret it wholeheartedly. Then we pretty much spent two days not talking or hugging. It just really hurts to think that our bonds are weakening due to all the strain heaped on us from every side. I don't have any other friends or family for support here, and though I attend church, opening up to a stranger is uncomfortable at best. I have faith that we will recover from this, because we love each other enough to keep trying, but it's still hard to go through.

I have so much I want to accomplish in my life, and even with this blog, and I can't seem to find the energy for any of it. Yes, I realize I'm very likely depressed, there just doesn't feel like a whole lot I can do about it right now except to keep on going. Keep on striving.

I know a lot of people have way more serious things going on. Life threatening illnesses, losing family, divorce, really extreme poverty. My issues are so tiny in comparison, I know that, and I promise I'll return to the bright side as soon as possible.

I don't really know how to finish this post except to say, thanks for letting me vent. Thank you all for listening, and for your patience and support.

Back soon.

I'm sorry guys, I know I haven't been around much lately. It's been a hard couple of weeks. Everything that is supposed to be good is bad, and everything bad is worse. I don't know how I can lift anyone else up when I am feeling this low. I will update soon, thanks for being patient.

Finally...an update!

Man, it's been a crazy week. Ish? It's been way too long since I made a post, but we had a serious GI illness epidemic, followed by our internet services being off for a few days for being past due. I'm not sure which was worse!!

I'm kidding. The stomach flu was WAY worse! (shudder)

I'm sorry to keep anyone waiting who has become accustomed to my updates, all I could really do was check my email on my phone when I had some G's. my toddler has officially gotten to that age when going to the library is nothing but frustration. It's impossible to get anything resembling work done, because even when she's not throwing a temper tantrum, she still talks at the top of her lungs and tries to wreck everything.  I really hate feeling like we're disturbing other library patrons, and there's really no question that she is. I wish I could just get her a shirt to wear for explanation; "WARNING: I'M TWO". Moms everywhere would understand. Still, I feel bad.

But I promise I haven't been idle, and I've got some posts coming up. A real, solid update is in order, plus a food post or two.

So, what have you guys been up to all this time?  Got any ideas for posts you'd like to see?

The Good News That Almost Crashed The Car

I know, it sounds like it must be something huge, right? Like winning the lottery or something? Well, it's not, but I'm still pretty happy. Not Power-ball or PCH Winner happy, but still happy.

Yesterday it was awesome weather, and I had an awesome time with my awesome husband. I also got a truly awesome sunburn, and was miserable last night, but it was so worth it!

One of the crowning highlights of my amazing day, was that I sold my first ever Constant-Content article! Ya'll just don't know how huge that is to me! I was so excited when I saw the email that a made this horrible noise that my husband hates. You know, the one where you make a squeaky, squeal-ly inhale of breath, usually when something bad is about to happen, like a car crash? It's like a big, inward, wordless "OH NOOO!!".

Ya, that one.

Only happy!

My husband hates that noise.
So anyways, we were driving down the road and I was checking my email on my phone, and I saw the email and made that noise. My husband swerved wildly to avoid the huge accident that must be incoming, yelled at me a moment, and when we were parked safely at the ATM, he gave me a smile, a congratulations, and a kiss.

He says I'm only allowed to make that noise when something bad is about to happen, not when it's something good, because it immediately puts him emergency mode. I honestly don't know if I can help it though, it's like my default excited/amazed noise. I made it when I caught my first bass. I made it when he bought me my rock tumbler. I made it when he told me he might get his own store soon. What's a girl to do?

 I only had two articles on there, so that's pretty good right? And if strangers will buy my writing, that means I'm not completely inept, right? And there's a good chance that this freelance writing thing will actually pay out? They take a huge chunk of the cost though, 40%, but even so you end up with a fairly decent price per word compared to other places.

My Fortune Cookie Says:

"You're financial outlook is great at this time."

Man, I hope that's true!

We recently found out that my husband's company is opening a new store about two hours south of us. I guess he is one of two choices for being the store manager! I'm afraid to even hope honestly. It would be the change that we've been waiting for so long. Guaranteed $35k/yr, plus monthly bonuses (in the thousands) based on how the store does. That is certainly more comfortable than where we are now. Plus, they will pay for our moving costs IF he gets it. It's in a bigger city outside the metro area, which has it's downsides, but hopefully several advantages too, like public transportation and grocery store competitors and a much shorter commute for my husband.

I can't even imagine it. Or at least I try not to so that I'm not heartbroken if it doesn't happen. Of course, he will at some point get a store I think, I'm just afraid that if it takes a lot longer then a) my husband will lose some satisfaction and drive at work and b) our hole will get ever deeper. Better late than never, but realistically with all our debts, bills, and neglected medical issues, we would have to be at that income level for quite awhile before we even broke even every month.

I'm getting ahead of myself, I know. I'm afraid to be too expectant, too excited, or even too doubtful. I guess I will just hope everything turns out for the best, whatever path that might take.

We could use some prayers though, if you feel like it. :)

Those of you who have risen above poverty, would you mind telling us what the turning point was for your family? Was it more gradual, or a sudden step up like this would be? I would love to know!

If you feel like donating....

To my family, I will accept it with a glad and thankful heart and use it in some way to improve the lives of those in my family.

However, I know there are some who find their way here, and have been affected by the dishonesty of people in the past and are really hesitant to donate to and suspicious of an individual instead of an organization (story for another time, I am one of those people). I don't blame you. You can never know if the person you donate to is really going to use your money for something acceptable, or if they are going to go buy fast food, booze, or drugs. Or generally waste it in some other way.

That risk that those of you have taken in donating to my family's situation - I am more appreciative of that than just the money itself. That can be a really hard thing to do. That's why I always try to include in my posts what the money was used for.

For the rest - there is no need to feel guilty. We will be okay, one way or another. In reality the few donations I receive will have less to do with whether we are ultimately successful or not, than the work I can get or the promotion my husband might receive. To those who donate, thank you for making our journey a little easier. To those who don't, I have something else to ask. Make a donation to someone else, please.

After church next Sunday, they will be having a drive for Compassion International, where you pay a certain amount each month and it goes to a specific child in need somewhere in the world. I already know how much it costs, and I'm trying desperately to see where I can find the money. It costs $38 a month. That objectively seems like such a small amount, but the nature of our situation makes it an amount I'm not sure I can consistently afford. I don't want to make a commitment to some poor child and then have to cancel in a couple months as we ride our financial roller coaster...I don't know if that would be worse. With medical issues and trying to pay back debts on top of sometimes not even being able to pay all our necessities...I just don't know. I feel terrible guilt that I am wavering over this, when my heart says to do it! because it will make a difference in his or her life.

You know, no matter how bad my situation has seemed at times, the difference between us and people in poverty in third world countries, is at least we have some place to turn to for help. I am ever thankful for charities and churches, and even if our government doesn't do everything right, at least we have programs in the first place when many countries in the world don't. So many truly poor people have no where to turn, except perhaps a missionary or charity organization if they are lucky.

So if you want to help, but you don't want to give money to me, I am so okay with that. Please consider doing something like this. ANY poverty relief campaign really, but I know that CI has really great transparency and is trustworthy. Those organizations that help people in under-developed countries are able to make a bigger impact on individuals for less money than here in the U.S., but by all means donate to whichever one you think is best.

Alternatively, a donation to the American Cancer Society or one of the many breast cancer foundations would be great since both of my aunts are suffering through that at the moment, and I am aching at my inability to help. If simply spreading the word so other people can help is all I can do right now, then that's what I'll do.

If someone would be willing to make a donation in my name, I would be so grateful. You should consider that a donation to my family as well, because that is where I would spend the money if I had the extra to give.

I never wanted this blog to turn into internet panhandling, so I'm sorry if I lose readers over this. The only way it would benefit me though, is to make my heart happier. You'd really be helping someone else a lot though, and without worrying about what it was spent on. So, please mull over donating to one of these:

Compassion International   Poverty relief organizations  

 American Cancer Society    Breast cancer charity organizations

How to use up: Instant pudding mix

Yay, my second post in this series! But of course, you have to get through a little back story first. I'm sorry it's a little long! You can skip down to the list if you want, it's kind of depressing anyways.

There was a time about a year and a half ago, that we had bare cupboards and nothing but a half dead stalk of celery in the refrigerator (before I found out how awesome it could be!). This was after the main wire to the power pole in our trailer house became loose enough to spark, melting the wire, the casing, and blowing the big industrial fuses. The lack of power of course shut off everything, and the un-professionals that first came to look at it somehow wired it back without the ground, so we temporarily had power before everything went dark again. However, because of the way they wired it, it somehow sent surges throughout the entire house, blowing up multiple light bulbs, a power strip, both of our window a/c units, our microwave, and the refrigerator.  Not only did we have to suffer through a couple 90-degree nights and 100+ days without a/c, but of course all the food we had in the refrigerator and freezer went bad.

It was the middle of summer in the south, and my youngest was only a few months old. It took several days for them to get a professional out to fix it. On our second or third day, after we had all slept miserably for a couple nights, my husband took us to a hotel. Thank God. Baby still didn't sleep well in an unfamiliar place, but at least we had cool air and the use of a nice big pool.

Coming home after the repair wasn't awesome though. We had to again deal with the high temperatures and spoiled food. The cost of replacing our a/c units  and other devices (we couldn't NOT, it was too hot), coupled with the cost of emergency food and the cost of a hotel, left our bank in the negative and our bills overdue. Because of that one incident (and lack of savings of course!), it took us at least a month to catch up on everything. In the meantime, we had very little to eat and were surviving on charity from my mom and local organizations. At the very end, when almost all the charity food was gone, and it was still several days until my husband got paid again, I came upon our salvation.

I was digging in the cabinets looking for something to feed us, when among the spices and seasonings, I saw two tall unstable towers of flavored gelatin and instant pudding mix! It seriously rescued us, and sustained us for two days. I didn't have much milk, but I had enough to make one box of pudding, and of course plenty of water. My oldest thought it was an awesome summertime treat to eat pudding and jello for two days. I thought - well I'm sure you can imagine what I thought - but at least we were eating.

This story alone makes me realize how far we've come in a year. Hallelujah. I sincerely hope to see as much progress a year from now.

However, the point is flavored gelatin and instant pudding mix are two very, very common things to receive in a charity food box. When you don't have milk for the pudding, it gets put away until you do have milk, but then it's either forgotten about in the back of the cabinet, or your hardship goes on long enough that you have to ration every drop of milk for awhile. When you are finally ready or able to make it, you discover you have waaaay more than you thought you did. Prepared pudding has a lot of dessert uses itself, but really you can only eat so much! Luckily there are a few other uses for the mix by itself too.

How To Use Up Instant Pudding Mix!

Baked goods are really where you can use up large quantities of prepared pudding or mix. Luckily cake mix is another one of those common charity box units. It all depends on what you have on hand of course, and sometimes that isn't much, but I hope this helps anyways.

For Prepared:
Make layer cakes, and use for filling and/or frosting.
Make tortes by layering cake or cookie chunks, fresh fruit, pudding, and whipped topping.
Use as no-bake pie filling
Make frozen pudding pops, yum!
Use vanilla or caramel pudding for dip for fruit like bananas, apples, and strawberries.

Dry Mix:
Mixed into whipped topping to make a lighter frosting, or then frozen for "ice cream".
Mixed into the mix/batter of almost any baked dessert for extra moisture and softness (any cake, cookies, muffins, banana bread etc.) Depending on the flavor you use, it can also add another dimension of taste! Lemon pudding mix in white cake mix is scrumptious!
Use as a thickener for smoothie or protein shakes. (Let it sit a few minutes or it will be grainy).
Mixed in for flavoring in hot chocolate and coffee, even iced coffee. (But let sit a minute like above.)
Mix into plain yogurt to make it taste better than gross.
Mix into canned pumpkin to be eaten as is, or in a recipe.
Mix with a tiny bit of Miracle Whip, or just by itself as dressing for fruit salad. It mixes delightfully with the fruit juice to make a dressing and ads flavor.

Do you have any other uses to add? Does anyone know of any recipes that aren't desserts that use pudding mix? Also, let me know if you have an idea for what you would like to see next in the series!